Tips for Grief and Deathcare
Making the Space as Comfortable as Possible for the Dying
Identify yourself. Let the person know what you’re going to do before doing it, or just let them know you’re there.
Have their favorite family pictures in view.
Live plants in a room where one is dying can be refreshing. Fresh plants radiate healing and can absorb energy. Return them to the Earth instead of the garbage if possible after using.
Have soft lighting. Natural or artificial candles would also be beneficial.
Safeguard home with protective barrier. Cleanse home with yarrow, sweetgrass, cedar, thyme, rosemary, lavender. Look for what grows locally and with which herbs you commune. Free the room (s) of spiritual and physical clutter, sweep the corners, wash the windows. Use natural cleaners. Mist bed sheets with a nice scent. A small pouch of herbs can be tucked inside of the pillow or left at the bedside. Make sure the hospital is fine with scents before providing. Scent-free techniques include clapping, drumming, and using chimes or bells.
Hearing is often the last sense to shut down as the dying transition. See if they prefer silence or soothing background noises. Any favorite books, poems, or sacred passages would be beneficial to read or recite. Any favorite songs or music would may be great to hear. In hospitals or nursing homes, draw the room divider curtains, and use noise cancelling headphones for either silence or to help the dying hear their favorite songs, books, or other audio.
Warm bags of chamomile, mint, peach leaves, or other soothing herbs are nice for tired or sore eyes.
Keep the dying person clean. For the mouth, you can use mint tea or water mixed with baking soda. Keep a lip balm on hand to assist with chapped, dry lips.
A cool mist humidifier can also help with skin dryness.
Socially Connecting with the Dying while Apart
Video services: Take advantage of virtual services, such as Zoom, Marco Polo, and FaceTime
You can have family meals together via video. Sing and play music together. Watch movies together.
Leave gifts or mementos. If they are in a hospice, nursing home, or hospital that are not accepting gifts, then you may be able to have the gifts dropped off. Please make sure to properly disinfect your items.
Plan a virtual service: Create a video in which several family members and friends celebrate the dying’s life via stories, favorite colors, and favorite songs.
Read books aloud to the loved one via phone or video.
Memoirs: Create an oral and/or written history for the person that details their childhood, life milestones, favorite moments, likes and dislikes, skills, and other tidbits.
End-of-Life Planning
End-of-Life Planning can be done at any point of time, and it is preferable not to wait until one is terminally ill or dying. Here are a few tips to keep in mind:
Keep an up-to-date copy of your medications and diagnosed illnesses.
Keep a list of all of the doctors and medical professionals that you are seeing.
Complete a living will and see if having a power of attorney for health, financial, and/or personal matters is right for you.
Know the difference between a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate order for no CPR, signed by a physician), a non-hospital DNR (order for non-medical facilities, signed by a physician and usually utilized for terminally ill or extremely elderly individuals, may be in the form of a bracelet or necklace), and a DNI (Do Not Intubate) order and plan accordingly. A DNI order means that chest compressions and cardiac drugs may be utilized, but no breathing tube will be placed. These do not need a living will to be in existence already, but it should be documented if the living will is available.
Find out if your state requires your documents to be notarized to be seen as official. Also, see if your state has a registry in which your advance directive can be quickly accessed by healthcare providers. In addition, make copies and hand them to all important proxies, loved ones, and healthcare professionals. Also, consider creating a wallet-sized card indicating that you have an advance directive and where it is kept.
Include your spiritual, emotional, and social needs in your end-of-life plans.
Include legacy work, such as preparing letters, notes, or special gifts to leave for loved ones, if you desire.
Complete what post-death arrangements you’d like for yourself, such as home funerals, traditional religious ceremonies, cremation, celebrations, and other preferences, such as favorite foods to eat, favorite colors to display, and favorite songs to play.
Re-assess your preferences and plans periodically. People’s desires and necessities change over time, and health situations may evolve as well. Therefore, it is vital to regularly re-examine the advance care and death plans.
Ways to Honor the Dead
Set up prayer and light setting services either solo, with the family, or as a community. This commonly occurs anywhere from 1-40 days after death and can happen for multiple days (commonly completed for 9 days straight in some cultures).
Pour libations and offer prayers to the land in which your loved ones are buried or destined to be buried.
Transitioning celebration-Have a private or family celebration where you discuss your favorite moments with him/her/them, eat their favorite foods, and play their favorite music and movies.
Ancestral altars may or may not be appropriate for some length of time based on your spiritual tradition and the guidance of the departed. Water spirits in African Traditional Religions and Diasporic Traditional Religions are traditionally the guardians of the ancestral realm, so you may want to leave offerings for them by the river/ocean and ask them for your loved one’s continued protection. Be mindful that some Spirits’ receptivity is dependent upon whether you are initiated or otherwise formally connected to them. Appropriate cultural practices and protocols should guide your choices.
Make a quilt out of their old clothing, and include prayers, songs, and herbs while sewing.
Keep the burial space in which their body remains tended and decorated. If cremated, then keep the urn clean and dust-free.
Journal about them. Write down anything left that you wanted to say about them. Also, write down how you’re feeling in your time of bereavement.
Wail. Make space to weep and grieve. Grieve them fully and deeply, both for yourself and for them. They want to be remembered, and you deserve space to process how you feel and move within the sacred realm of Grief.
Termination and Perinatal Grief
An Abortion is a forced termination. 1 in 4 women and other birthing people in America will have an abortion before the age of 45. Not everyone has complex or negative emotions around their abortions, but many do, possibly in large part due to trauma, societal stigma, and other factors.. In addition, physical womb trauma can persist despite an absence of emotional trauma, also in large part to societal stigma.
A Miscarriage is a spontaneous or accidental termination in which the fetus expels from the uterus before it is viable and able to function as an independent being.
A Stillborn is the death of an infant before he/she/they are born. Black infants are twice as likely to be stillborn than non-Black, non-Hispanic infants.
If you had a name for your baby (ies), then speak the name (s) aloud. Light a candle in remembrance and honor for the baby (ies). If you didn’t have any names before, then consider if this is right for you now.
Engage in cleansing baths and energy work specifically for this experience, or find an experienced and trusted spiritual practitioner to assist you with this work.
You ma find it appropiate to start a pelvic steam regimen that specifically addresses womb trauma and womb healing in reference to reproductive trauma, or find an experienced and trusted clinical herbalist/pelvic steam therapist that is skilled in this aspect of work.
Create visual art about your experiences, such as paintings, drawings, and sculptures.
Create waistbeads specifically for your abortion, miscarriage, or stillborn experience, or find an experienced and trusted spiritual practitioner that is skilled in this aspect of work.
Engage in therapy or support groups. There are peer-led support groups for both perinatal grief and loss as well as abortion support and many other experiences through Postpartum Support International
Home Funerals
Keeping or bringing a loved one home after death is legal in every American state for bathing, dressing, private viewing, and ceremony as the family chooses. Every state recognizes the next-of-kin’s custody and control of the body that allows the opportunity to hold a home vigil. Most states do require a transport/burial permit, and you will need to make sure to check your state for any other restrictions and regulations that you need to follow. You can learn more about the legal requirements in each state here.
Next-of-Kin definitions and regulations may vary in different states, so please check your state for any variations. In general, the next-of-kin is considered in the following order:
-Spouse
-Children (varies; in no particular order, or by majority)
-Parents
-Siblings
-Grandchildren
-Grandparents
-Nieces/Nephews
-Aunts/Uncles
-Great Grandchildren
-Great Grandparents
Religious observations, family gatherings, memorials, and private events are not under the jurisdiction of the State or professionals in the funeral industry. The State or professional in the funeral industry have no medico-legal authority unless it is transferred to them when they are paid for services.
Make sure to get the death certificate signed and processed as soon as possible.
Keep a copy of your rights to have home funerals in an accessible place in your residence. There are general home burial rites available in all 50 states, however many law enforcement agencies and other professionals are not familiar with this aspect of law.
If you are a part of hospice, nursing home, hospital, or law enforcement staff, then please familiarize yourself with home funeral rights. Also, see if the families of the deceased want to explore home funeral options instead of simply asking which funeral home to call upon their loved one’s death.
To funeral directors: there are many ways for you to be involved in home funerals as well. You can assist in obtaining resources, such as the death certificate. You can aid in procuring the transport or burial permit, assist with body preparation, and help rent the room for body prep if the family desires. You can file death notices, deliver a casket/container/other item to the residence for the body of the deceased, and help organize transports for church or other community gatherings.
Self-Care During Bereavement
Keep your self-care rituals during this time. Rest is essential. This may include time off of work, time off of social media, meditation, energy work, yoga, dance, songs, prayer, fresh sunlight and air, sex, visual art creation, and other nourishing activities.
Allow yourself time to deeply and fully process your grief. Grief is a normal reaction to loss and change. Weep. Talk. Write. Research. Feel.
Call and connect with the people you love in-person or through scheduled virtual hangouts. Connect with people through social media at your own pace.
Connect with a therapist as many are also offering telehealth at this time. Join peer-led support groups, grief circles, and death cafes.
Some common herbal spirits that may assist you during this time include lavender, mint, chamomile, catnip, fennel, lemon balm, nettle, cedar, and rose among others. Some common herbal spirits with antiviral properties include garlic, oregano, basil, thyme, lemon balm, and ginger.
Herbs are conscious spirits and their energy and medicines may not align with everyone, so build a personal connection with its Spirit. Spend time with the herb and notice its color, texture, shape, and scent. The medicine in its roots may be different from the medicine in its leaves and flowers, so connect with its individualized parts as well. Cup the herb in your hand and breathe your story in it. Sleep with the herb under your pillow. Research and consult as needed, then apply its medicine in your teas, oils, salves, pelvic steams, sanitizers, body butters, and/or cleansing baths if deemed permissible and appropriate.